So, the past few months I made a few mentions of how I was feeling down or overwhelmed. I try to keep things upbeat and happy here, so I never really got into it, but I was brushing things off and I need to get real with y’all for a minute.
I wasn’t just feeling down or overwhelmed, I was depressed. I learned the hard way that depression can happen to anyone – even if your life looks perfect from the outside. My life felt like it was going in a downward spiral and there was nothing I could do about it.
It all started with nightmare induced sleep deprivation and went out of control from there. I was paranoid and upset most of the time, and I transformed into someone I didn’t recognize. I’d always prided myself in being optimistic and upbeat, but my mind quickly shifted and I found myself thinking unusually dark thoughts.
My mind would go from being terrified that no one cared about me, to wishing that was the case so I could disappear without hurting anyone in the matter of minutes; and I could feel the old me slipping away.
Life went on like that for the better part of last semester until finally I had a public breakdown and had someone tell me: “Hey, what you’re feeling is not normal and you deserve to be happy, you just need to get help.”
Somehow I had managed to brainwash myself into thinking that what was happening in my head was OK and something that happened to everyone. I didn’t think I needed help until I got it, and things are slowly getting better everyday.
At the time I didn’t realize how quickly I was changing or how serious things were getting. Being on the upswing I can recognize that I should have gone for help a lot sooner than I did, and I’m sure there are so many people out there in the same situation I was in.
I am nowhere near back to ‘normal’ but I’m inching my way in that direction and that all stemmed from letting myself be honest and vulnerable. If you’re feeling poorly please don’t let it get out of hand like I did.
Talk to someone. Anyone at all, and let them know how you are feeling. Plus, if you are in college there are a ton of different resources you can turn to!
As a quick note, I am taking a semester off school to take care of my mental health. I really didn’t start making big progress until I made this decision, and while it was never part of my life plan (or the plan anyone else in my life had for me) it is something I feel that I really need to do in order to keep myself from deteriorating further.
In the meantime I am going to be putting more time and energy into blogging, and I’ve emailed an organization that I’m really excited about to see if I can volunteer there! I am excited to use the next few months to heal and grow!